Recently I had the pleasure of watching Fantastic Four: First Steps, and I must say, in comparison to previous iterations, it is a … marked improvement. Before we jump into the Creature Feature, I’ll share my quick thoughts on the film.
Overall, I thought the movie was a lot better than Marvel Studio’s usual 7-out-of-10 fair. The art direction was spectacular, the musical score was iconic, the dialogue was sharp and mercifully devoid of quips. I like that it took place in another dimension, so the story wasn’t trying to carry the weight of 15 years of world building. The cast gets to act their heart out, the action sequences are the most genuinely suspenseful I’ve ever seen in a Marvel movie, and the effectiveness with which they showed the sheer scale of Galactus made him feel like a genuinely terrifying threat.
My only gripe is that, like most Marvel movies, this one suffers from status quo syndrome. None of the characters felt like they go through any sort of arc, and when you compare it to films like James Gunn’s Superman, where the main character actually has to grapple with some of his core beliefs, it feels a little hollow. But given the Fantastic Four’s track record … I’ll take an 8-out-of-ten if I can get it.
Anyway, since Fantastic Four: First Steps takes place in an alternate dimension, I thought it would be a fine opportunity to discover one opposite of ours and record that version in my abyssal bestiary. So, without further ado, I introduce to you the Fantastic Four of Earth 161.
Creature No. 6: Mr. Sensitive, discovered by Twitch user Harukio. This version of Reed Richards may not be the smartest person alive, but he’s certainly the most in touch with his feelings. Mr. Sensitive boasts the same stretchy appendages as his counterparts in other dimensions. Unfortunately this means he can remain bedridden for weeks at a time, retrieving pints of Cherry Garcia from the fridge while he binges Nicholas Sparks novels for the emotional catharsis. At present, Mr. Sensitive is in a dissociative fugue state after Sue Storm critiqued his lingonberry muffin recipe, and is currently recovering in a seaside cottage, while Galactus eats his whole entire planet.
Creature No. 7: The Inebriated Woman, discovered by Twitch user Daedlogistics. In this dimension, Sue Storm’s remarkable powers can only be activated by conspicuous levels of alcohol consumption. But hey, when you’re the world’s most hardworking super-mom, you deserve a cocktail or five now and again, you know? While she can’t turn invisible, she can turn emotionally unavailable. And although many foes have threatened her marriage to Reed Richards, none have come as close as when she stumbled into the foyer of the Baxter Building midday, drunkenly declaring to the attending staff that Reed, quote, “can stretching everything but the part that counts.” Ooh, no force field can shield you from that one.
Creature No. 8: The Patriotic Torch, discovered by Twitch user Harukio. In this dimension, Johnny Storm takes a page from the Steve Rogers playbook, donning the stars and stripes to become a living Fourth of July firecracker. This Johnny still loves the ladies, but nothing compares to the red-hot, flaming lust he has for Lady Liberty. When he’s not grilling burgers and supplying pyrotechnics for Bruce Springsteen concerts, you can find him scorching through the cosmos on a mission to protect the planet he loves most: America.
Creature No. 9: The Floof, discovered by Twitch user KevoKoala. After a bombardment of cosmic rays, this version of Ben Grimm transforms into a behemoth of living cotton candy. Now the fluffiest hero on the planet, the Floof fears no foe—except maybe hungry carnival goers, sudden bouts of rain, and baffled raccoons from 2010 viral videos. Catchphrases the Floof has workshopped include: “It’s Empty Calorie Time!” “Let’s Get Sticky!” and “Time for a Dia-beatdown!” Sadly they landed as softly with the focus groups as most of his punches.
Creature No. 10: Handsy Von Doom, discovered by Twitch user DoctorDiggityDank. After the tragic explosion of a necromancy machine that would have allowed him to give his dead mother one last high five, the Victor Von Doom of this dimension was grotesquely disfigured, as his face and feet became hands. Blaming Reed Richards for his disfigurement, he will stop at nothing until he has flipped each and every member of the Fantastic Four the bird, and received their heartfelt apologies. Until then, the Latverian wizard will continue to hold the world hostage, wielding five butter guns with reckless impunity.