In a parallel world dominated by generative AI, the Vibe Coderpillar has evolved to become the ultimate cybernetic lifeform. It has grown two single-digit appendages for blindly typing prompts into a keyboard (that may or may not be plugged in), plus two fleshy claws exclusively for grasping their favorite brand of Blazing Hot Cheez-ohs. Its nose is upturned with an irrevocably smug smile and a VR headset permanently fused to its face. At present, the bank passwords of the entire Vibe Coderpillar civilization have been exposed to interplanetary hackers, and their collective funds are being diverted into extraterrestrial crypto accounts.
Recently I had the pleasure of watching Fantastic Four: First Steps, and I must say, in comparison to previous iterations, it is a … marked improvement. Before we jump into the Creature Feature, I’ll share my quick thoughts on the film.
Overall, I thought the movie was a lot better than Marvel Studio’s usual 7-out-of-10 fair. The art direction was spectacular, the musical score was iconic, the dialogue was sharp and mercifully devoid of quips. I like that it took place in another dimension, so the story wasn’t trying to carry the weight of 15 years of world building. The cast gets to act their heart out, the action sequences are the most genuinely suspenseful I’ve ever seen in a Marvel movie, and the effectiveness with which they showed the sheer scale of Galactus made him feel like a genuinely terrifying threat.
My only gripe is that, like most Marvel movies, this one suffers from status quo syndrome. None of the characters felt like they go through any sort of arc, and when you compare it to films like James Gunn’s Superman, where the main character actually has to grapple with some of his core beliefs, it feels a little hollow. But given the Fantastic Four’s track record … I’ll take an 8-out-of-ten if I can get it.
Anyway, since Fantastic Four: First Steps takes place in an alternate dimension, I thought it would be a fine opportunity to discover one opposite of ours and record that version in my abyssal bestiary. So, without further ado, I introduce to you the Fantastic Four of Earth 161.
Creature No. 6: Mr. Sensitive, discovered by Twitch user Harukio. This version of Reed Richards may not be the smartest person alive, but he’s certainly the most in touch with his feelings. Mr. Sensitive boasts the same stretchy appendages as his counterparts in other dimensions. Unfortunately this means he can remain bedridden for weeks at a time, retrieving pints of Cherry Garcia from the fridge while he binges Nicholas Sparks novels for the emotional catharsis. At present, Mr. Sensitive is in a dissociative fugue state after Sue Storm critiqued his lingonberry muffin recipe, and is currently recovering in a seaside cottage, while Galactus eats his whole entire planet.
Creature No. 7: The Inebriated Woman, discovered by Twitch user Daedlogistics. In this dimension, Sue Storm’s remarkable powers can only be activated by conspicuous levels of alcohol consumption. But hey, when you’re the world’s most hardworking super-mom, you deserve a cocktail or five now and again, you know? While she can’t turn invisible, she can turn emotionally unavailable. And although many foes have threatened her marriage to Reed Richards, none have come as close as when she stumbled into the foyer of the Baxter Building midday, drunkenly declaring to the attending staff that Reed, quote, “can stretching everything but the part that counts.” Ooh, no force field can shield you from that one.
Creature No. 8: The Patriotic Torch, discovered by Twitch user Harukio. In this dimension, Johnny Storm takes a page from the Steve Rogers playbook, donning the stars and stripes to become a living Fourth of July firecracker. This Johnny still loves the ladies, but nothing compares to the red-hot, flaming lust he has for Lady Liberty. When he’s not grilling burgers and supplying pyrotechnics for Bruce Springsteen concerts, you can find him scorching through the cosmos on a mission to protect the planet he loves most: America.
Creature No. 9: The Floof, discovered by Twitch user KevoKoala. After a bombardment of cosmic rays, this version of Ben Grimm transforms into a behemoth of living cotton candy. Now the fluffiest hero on the planet, the Floof fears no foe—except maybe hungry carnival goers, sudden bouts of rain, and baffled raccoons from 2010 viral videos. Catchphrases the Floof has workshopped include: “It’s Empty Calorie Time!” “Let’s Get Sticky!” and “Time for a Dia-beatdown!” Sadly they landed as softly with the focus groups as most of his punches.
Creature No. 10: Handsy Von Doom, discovered by Twitch user DoctorDiggityDank. After the tragic explosion of a necromancy machine that would have allowed him to give his dead mother one last high five, the Victor Von Doom of this dimension was grotesquely disfigured, as his face and feet became hands. Blaming Reed Richards for his disfigurement, he will stop at nothing until he has flipped each and every member of the Fantastic Four the bird, and received their heartfelt apologies. Until then, the Latverian wizard will continue to hold the world hostage, wielding five butter guns with reckless impunity.
For no reason in particular, I’ve felt like the world’s been a bit trash lately. I don’t know, something about a dull cadre of third-generation nepo-babies tanking the economy for the lulz gives me the sensation the country is their dumpster, and we’re just living in it. So, in the spirit of the pungent refuse that is our shared existence at the moment, last week’s Creature Feature was themed “Garbage.”
Trash Crab
The Creature Feature started with this delightful creature, suggested by Twitch user Nipplepotomus. It reminds me a little of the Mimic-style toenail jar I drew a couple Features back. At least one creature in this world is thrilled about the abundance of rubbish there is to consume.
Shrimp Pimp
This one, suggested by Twitch user Timochet, veered away from the Garbage theme a bit, but it’s in keeping with Twitch chat’s obsession with me drawing crustaceans. As a wise man once said, shrimping ain’t easy. (Forrest Gump, maybe?)
Biblically Accurate Robber Baron
As far as Garbage goes? This one tracks. Bonus points, because it has chat’s other favorite meme, which is me putting lots of eyeballs on things.
The FancySchmancy Creature is a live drawing show every Saturday morning around 10am EST on Twitch. Each week, I play an eldritch scholar from the watery underworld, drawing the infinite creatures of the multiverse. I pick a theme, chat gives me prompts, and the Abyssal Bestiary picks which prompts to draw. One of them could be yours!
A couple of weeks ago I finished playing the game Outer Wilds, in which angler fish play an outsized and terrifying role. Simultaneously, a black seadevil captivated the world by rearing its beautiful head from the depths, making its way to the surface for unknown (and for some, portending) reasons.
So I thought, what better subject for our weekly FancySchmancy Creature Feature than this fiercely fanged hellspawn?
As always, friends in chat provided me with prompts, and the Bestiary in which we draw selected them at random. Here were the results.
Angler Fish with Lips (CeruleanOak)
This is what I imagine a male angler fish sees right before it merges with the female’s flesh for eternity (look it up).
Angler Fish Bandit (CeruleanOak)
This one charmed me. I like to imagine that this is what Bluey sees when she casts one of her imaginative spells on her dad.
Angler Fish Balatro Card (MrByte)
I’m a big fan of Balatro, and it’s fun to imagine what powers this Joker might imbue for your deck. Maybe it lures you into playing a strong hand that it then destroys. Not advantageous, but it feels on brand for the game.
Angler Fish on a Bicycle (PrincessPJs)
I literally cursed the moment I had to draw any sort of vehicle, but as it turns out, drawing a penny farthing isn’t so bad. Plus, look how happy he is.
Angler Fish Merman
Finally, we drew a merman with an angler fish head, or as I like to call him, a mermgler. In my head canon, this is exactly what Poseidon looks like.
The FancySchmancy Creature Feature happens on Twitch most Saturdays at 10am EST. I play FancySchmancy, an eldritch scholar on an academic quest to draw an infinite set of bestiaries, chronicling every creature in the multiverse. Each week I pick a theme, chat gives me prompts, and the bestiary picks which prompts to draw. Join me for a chance to have your prompt drawn.
