No Web Left to Conquer

A few years before the pandemic, the chamber of commerce for my quaint New England city sent its bohemian enclaves into an uproar. They were proposing a promo campaign to draw more businesses from out of state. The main image was a cloud of cute, lineal drawings of laptops, kayaks, and to-go coffee cups—the digital nomad lifestyle craved by the tech workers of the late 2010’s. The slogan read something like “Tiny Big City,” the promise of urban amenities without the overstimulation of Boston or New York.

The vibe of the campaign was sterile and innocuous. But anyone with a keen cultural nose knew, this was the beginning of the end. The gentrification cycle was nearing completion: an old port city whose original industry had dried up was now a target of conquest by the wealthy, thanks in part to the artists and tastemakers who had made it an appealing place to live for the last couple of decades. Slowly but surely they would be muscled out by soaring rents as luxury condos devoured the market. The same would be true of many independent pubs and shops, clearing the way for familiar franchises awash in out-of-state capital.

The day I knew there was no going back was when I was sitting in a coffee shop, eavesdropping on an older couple from Connecticut, talking about buying a home in town so they could summer there. When you hear a newly inducted local use the word “summer” as a verb, you know it’s game over.

I wrote yesterday that it might be game over for the internet, too, at least when it comes to its major platforms. Thanks to things like Google Veo 3, generative AI has reached a threshold where it requires a lot more scrutiny to discern than most algorithms give us time for—let alone what most modern attention spans are equipped for. GenAI has absorbed enough of humanity’s collective endeavors that it can effectively walk around in our skin, with only the most anal-retentive sleuths able to call its bluff.

What makes Google Veo 3 truly foreboding, though, is not just its uncanny facsimile of human-born imagery, but also its $250-a-month price tag. Like an old port town renovated by the creative class, tools like Google Veo 3 are trained on untold billions of hours of human ingenuity, only to be gated and sold for the wealthy’s unfettered use—gentrification in its most resource-hungry and accelerated form.

I don’t have high hopes for the future of this new, gentrified internet. At best, corporations and content creators will succumb to the siren’s song of cheap, predictable labor, and culture will begin to stagnate. At worst, propaganda will become more virulent and convincing than it’s ever been, as the forces of oligarchy drip poison in the well of political discourse.

The real mystery is, what happens when genAI has nothing left to consume? Already it runs the risk of becoming a self-diminishing ouroboros, devouring its own outputs. The disingenuous push of the Technocrats against IP laws is a testament to this fear, as they look for the last remaining scraps to put in the belly of their beast. What frontiers are left, when even the settled places have been recolonized?

Sooner than later, genAI will have no web left to conquer. Maybe then the internet will weep, longing for the grit of originality again.

Is the Internet Over?

When I was a kid, there was a saying: don’t believe everything you see on TV. “Everything” was the operative word there. With TV, you could be reasonably certain that at least some of it was true. On the internet, I’m not sure anymore.

I used to be confident in my ability to discern generative AI content. The output of Google Veo 3 has me taking a knee. I’m not convinced that if I swiped through it on a scrolling video platform, I would distinguish it as artificial. We might be swiftly reaching the generative AI endgame.

I don’t think the world is ready for it. I think people still approach the internet with a level tacit credibility. But those days must by necessity be over. Without scrutiny and context, and with the indiscriminate faucet of algorithms spewing content at our eyes faster than we can process, we are in a golden age of lies.

The FancySchmancy Creature Feature: Vampiric

I’m FancySchmancy, an eldritch scholar of the watery underworld, on an academic quest to draw every creature in the multiverse. Last week’s theme was “Vampiric.” Here are the creatures we discovered.

The Jack Black the Ripper Vampire

With a gut full of noxious fumes and a voice of heavenly metal, the Jack Black the Ripper vampire is known to siphon box office profits with his multi-hyphenate fangs. Yes, his presence in film is pervasive, but remember, he can only star in a video game franchise if you explicitly invite him in.

Skibidi Toilet Vampire

Subsisting on the veins of brainrot iPad babies, the Skibidi Toilet vampire is the latest and perhaps most peculiar case of vampire evolution. When it’s not stalking the sewer systems and fomenting esoteric world wars, it’s shopping screenplays for its Michael Bay movie adaptation.

Vampire with Too Many Familiars

Vampires across the multiverse have mortal familiars to help them scour for new victims. While Dracula recruited an adult Renfield in one universe, in another the Renfields were a set of quintuplets. Thus the baron of fear became a father of five. Shame he’s not an early riser.

Join me live Wednesdays at 7pm EST on Twitch to suggest what creatures I draw based on the weekly theme. Our next theme: “Rock Solid.”

Duolingo Is Cooked

Lately being on the internet feels like clamoring up the topsails while it sinks deeper into AI-infested waters. The latest shipwreck is Duolingo, where CEO Luis von Ahn proclaimed his “AI-first” agenda on LinkedIn, much to the chagrin of the language app’s userbase.

Duolingo has been on the enshittification trajectory for a while now, which bums me out, because I’ve actually enjoyed the app quite a bit. It’s cheeky, it gamifies language to make it more fun, and it’s helpful for reinforcing vocabulary. The persistent (if not outright threatening) green owl is probably responsible for me speaking Spanish with more fluidity than I used to.

But in the last year or so, AI has been slowly plucking out the owl’s feathers. The lessons reek of the sterile non-sequitors common with LLM generation. The UI has become more predatory as it pushes you towards higher subscription tiers. And the AI video calls with Lily, while novel, are often clumsy and uncomfortable, as you rush to complete your sentences before she responds to half-uttered phrases. In some cases, the conversations turns weirdly puritanical: when her AI asked what I like to drink, it hung up on me when I mentioned I sometimes like to have a beer.

Despite these foibles, von Ahn’s message to users is, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. In fact, he mentions “occasional small hits on quality” as they reorient their systems to AI, an odd promise when your current AI products are upwards of $150 a year. Not to mention those hits on quality will probably be larger and more frequent than a well-polished corporate memo would have users believe.

Although maybe the most sinister aspect of the memo is telling employees that Duolingo “cares deeply” about them. That rings pretty hollow when the first casualty of their “AI-first” philosophy is outside contractors. It’s a bit like telling the permanent crew of your ship you’ve got their back, while you walk the merchant sailors off the plank.

All in all, it’s a terrible look. As a brand guy, my sympathies go out to the marketing team. The frenzied, absurdist meme-fest of their content has garnered a lot of good will from their users for years now, and their CEO just set it ablaze. But sadly, this feels like the inevitable descent of every publicly traded company these days: the quixotic pursuit of infinite profit derived from zero labor. The mythic perpetual motion engine of capitalism.

I won’t be renewing my Duolingo subscription when it expires. Look as menacingly at me as you want, Duo. I’ll just shut the curtains and wait for you to get bored.

The FancySchmancy Creature Feature: Parasites

As with the previous week, this past week’s theme of Parasites was inspired in no small part by the general state of affairs on planet Earth. Here are what species we discovered based on Twitch chat’s prompts.

Parasitic Pigeon

(Prompt from CeruleanOak)

Pigeons, to me, are a tragedy of mistaken identity. Often called the “rats of the sky,” they are, in fact, domesticated birds gone partially feral due to generations of neglect. Yes, they flock to your cities, because they were literally bred to occupy them.

On an alternate version of earth, not only had they gone wild, they’d gone vampire, thus wreaking their revenge on their once affectionate masters. No longer content to eat crumbs, they now feast on human flesh. Should make you thankful for your own sky rats, no?

Parasitic Landlord

(Prompt from Nipplepotomus)

In a forested world, there are stout, gnomish creatures who suck every last nutrient they can from those who occupy the land. These are the parasitic landlords, and should you fail to till their soil, their carnivorous hands will find other means of consumption. Beware eviction, for it means your devouring.

Krangfield

(Prompt by Welkhiki)

A clash of radical dimensions forged this unholy creature, a mechanized feline with no autonomy, piloted by a sentient lasagna. Its megalomaniac quest will not cease until every Monday has been eradicated.

Iron Giant Spider

(Prompt by IdhYaa)

Finally, a mistake in reassembly has resulted in this creeping abomination. While it once idealized the benevolence of Superman, it now craves only a complete body, and will perhaps roam the earth collection scraps until it can reach its former status.

The FancySchmancy Creature Feature happens every Saturday on Twitch. I am FancySchmancy, an eldritch undersea scholar on a quest to draw every creature in the multiverse. Each week, I select a theme, chat gives me prompts, and the Abyssal Bestiary selects which prompts we draw. Join me!